bangbanggobbledygook

editing the english of a four thousand word, sixteen page research paper .... is a real chore.
i gave up after the first five pages. is it going to be like this for every group research paper for the next four years?

i love metrodad! that i'm almost reluctant to share it. but since i only got to know because i read karencheng i suppose i should share the good stuff. but warning warning still: you'll like him only if you read and can relate to the stuff i do

ahh good writing nourishes my soul. hahah. metrodad's writing inspires me! to look for a forty year old guy who loves being a father. KIDDING. but the inclination's there, definitely. i love love love the entry about his daughter's fifth birthday

"Despite the fact that I'm a genuinely affable guy, I hate being forced to meet new people. Idle chit chat bores the crap out of me and in all honesty, I suck at it. I don't care what you do, who you know, how much you make, or where you live. I'd rather know your favorite author, band, or vegetable. Just give me something so we can connect on a somewhat deeper level.

Because if you don't, I'm sorry but unfortunately I also suck at feigning interest.

By the way, if you need me, I'll be the weird guy at the picnic in sunglasses standing off to the side eating potato salad and reading a book. "

credit: metrodad

there's a knitting shop in jp! i discovered in yesterday..HM maybe after the exams i'll pick up my knitting again..and my half done (and slightly crooked) scarf. since i'm going to china for holiday too! which will be cold cold cold. according to my mom who's been on a mission to buy us thermal underwear. and i keep telling her MA don't need i can just wear my tights under my jeans. and besides i've always believed that i've a high tolerance for cold. except for my knees which tend to ache when it rains, oddly enough. oh but ngak the type of yarn i'm using for my half knitted scarf isn't very nice. maybe i'll just end up getting cheap ones in china. yknow the materials for that one scarf (and using the lousiest quality wool) already cost me 50 bucks, i think buying would probably be way cheaper (and easier). but then it's so cool! to say look look i'm wearing something i made myself.

anyway i'm in hall now, it's nice and quiet. i managed to do quite abit on friday and today. ytd was so-so, but still on task and almost done with all i'm supposed to do so i'm pleased with myself this weekend! just that yet another not-so-restful night tonight because i'm so uneasy sleeping alone in a room and being alone late at night i can't sleep very well and hence am REM sleep deprived. and the result is my feeling lethargic and sleepy and stoned even more often during the day (i.e. now) IM SUCHA WIMP. but you know the feeling when your heart constricts in fear and uneasiness and you just feel tense and paranoid. ya, that. if only i weren't sucha wimp and tend to be REM sleep deprived, studying sessions on sundays would be even more productive.

great weather, perfect for listening to Home by MB.
hey, even though i'm not on a street in paris, or anywhere else in the world, the song still makes me feel like going home. running away from all this water that's trying to pull me down. it's a mental and emotional battle. and incidentally, i'm going home tonight! TONIGHT!

it dawned on me that i need to slow down. slow things down. i'm so earnestly in search of that magical and yet elusive connection with people that sometimes i might be opening myself up to the wrong people and not realise it. things like that take time, and i think i'm just too impatient about it, because it is really these connection i feel with certain people that contributes to my feeling inspired, peaceful, content, special. what joy can be greater than to know that there're people like these who you can have a 5 minute quickie conversation with while waiting at the bus stop and yet feel like your day is brighter and you feel like someone's watered the flower in you.

slow down priscilla!

i think i'm stressed.

i have this perpetual stuffedwithcottonwool feeling in the area between my left temple and my right temple.

and my hands are shaking like crazy. my left hand is especially hard to control.
man this sucks because every person who notices will probably think i'm either 1) a psychopath 2) have a big crush on them

and my shoes got stolen, AGAIN!

on thursday i played in my first ever softball match.

haha but, not really either. because it was a very friendly friendly with another hall, who's captain is the friend of our captain. and because i didn't really contact with the ball at all, in the entire match HAHA. i'm not sure if it's because we're not pro standard, but then i realise that softball is alot about waiting for the ball to be hit. and come flying. and i think sliding is really cool! but it isn't allowed for the IHG apparently. when i go for games like this i wish so so so much that i were better at more stuff. i don't like the insecurity of walking onto the field and not being familiar with the game, waiting for people to tell me what to do, and watching the captain discreetly mull over which random position to assign me (where i will do the least damage). granted that everything in life needs to be learnt, but in situations like these, there's not much allowance for you to learn slowly gradually. it's more of a whoever can play go out and win, those who can't you learn on the go. i like knowing, i like being good. even if i weren't the best player on the judo team, at least i knew what i was doing, i felt like i could make a valuable contribution, i knew the typical strategies in the game, the moves, the rules, the instinctive, seasoned and cool way we position and move around on the dojo. stuff like that.

"priscilla get ready! this guy's good his ball will fly"
"oh orh i'm ready!"
"eh no la, you must bend your knees at least la. and hold up your glove!"

youknow my timetable really annoys me to the max.!!!! i just don't complain about it as often as i do in my head to myself.

an hour's morning class and then another hour of afternoon class with 4 hours in between. SUCKS YKNOW. i would like veryveryVERY much to have all my lessons jam packed from 830-1400 straight WITHOUT breaks rather than this crappy breakherebreakthere thang i'm stuck with. and then at 1400 i can happily say good bye to school and slow walk all the way back to hall happily and enjoy some sun and not having to care even if i melt into a sweaty mess because of the friggin heat cos i'll be going home to a cold bath back at hall. and then i can properly sit down having washed up cleaned up and smelling good to do my studying!

ok whatever i just wrote about up there is: FANTASY.

the reality of the present? i am blogging out of annoyance and i just wanto jump into my bed and nap but can't because i haven't bathed and can't yet because it makes no sense for me to do so now when i'm going to have to leave the room for yet another lesson in 3 hours' time. SIGH. and my timetable is such that i almost always end up eating lunch alone, let's see: monday, tuesday, wednesday, thursday, friday. OH. that's everyday! cool.

and i got rejected 3 times yesterday! nobody wants to buy my pens. even when i offer them a dollar discount and offer to absorb that dollar myself! totally felt like a social reject. guess i can't go into insurance then. and last evening a record of TWO people asked my why i looked so shagged and stoned. and that's only last evening. it seems like if i don't put on a smile my facial features will instantaneously fossilise. cool.

and anyway just read karen cheng, which made me feel like blogging. i love her posts on motherhood and her kids. i totally relate! which is probably odd. because i am young, nineteen, single and childless. but i really do! i understand what she means by worrying about the ferry sinking and formulating ways to keep all her children afloat and alive. do i sound like i'm proud of this? actually i'm not too happy about it. i wish i thought more about those trendy airy inconsequential fleeting stuff,yknow things that are justifiably silly because of one's youth. so that i can relate more to people around me, i can make comments they can relate to so that we can yo yknow click. days like today, late mornings like today when i'm the only person around in hall, her posts like these, make me feel like i would like to throw all these away and go have a life like hers - being a mother, bringing the kids out to experience the world, to just let my "bones soften and my heart rate plod along at what I like to call, Ice cream speed" .. nowadays i feel like even more stiff and ramrod like and tensed and uptight than ever. NOVEMBER IS GNA BE SO CRAZY. and i think all those post-its staring down at me at my table adds to my anxiety. ZZZZZZZZ i want a calm and cool life! with occasional doses of excitement. yknow actually when i think about it, worrying about grades and projects and assignments, academics is probably one of the easiest and most trivial worries in the world. compared to poverty, natural disasters, etcetcetc. if you get what i mean. BUT then ironically, we blow it up so big it consumes us and there're people jumping off buildings for this worry. it will not and is not supposed to kill us. no food you die, tsunami come you die. get C for exams will not die! but people themselves choose to die for it. (i'm referring to ri boys btw, because it's really the only example that comes to mind right now)


kkkkkkkk i shall go and buy waffles for my lunch now. and then i don't know, maybe waste somemore time before the 230 class (in which i think we'll be getting back my failure of a bio paper. i just hope i don't hit THE rock bottom!!) later and then maybe contemplate more about ponning biz law tut later.

IM TERRIBLE I KNOW.