bangbanggobbledygook

How would you like your prince to prove his love for you?
Build you a library.

hahahah okay yes please!

today i cycled down Seventeenth Avenue.

i've putting it off because i thought it'd be too crazy a ride for me and my bike.
but it was nice. like another world round a bend. like ubin without the need for a boat ride.
i reached the club. and it was even cooler. it was 9.43AM. i saw the almost completed connector to coney island too, exciting! i can't wait for them to develop and open coney. i can totally bike there! it'll be like our own little island! and i think i'll pick up water sports when i can afford it. so near to my house, it'll be such a waste if i don't right.

thanks for the bike youall!!!!

i wish every morning will start like this.
windy rainy dark and dreary. just minus all the risks of traffic and pedestrian accidents.
it's a nice happy feeling. smells nice too. a great start!
i don't mind if i've to trek in this weather either. everybody can trek in good weather but trekking in difficult (but not life threatening) conditions makes it all the more exciting and fun. and i think, is conducive for bonding too.

i feel so brave!
of course i was scared. i was so scared!! my heart starting thumping even while i was still on the mrt. i could totally feel my ears and face heat up when the seniors sat around in a circle and talked to me. (i just wonder if they turned visible-red) i felt awkward and not myself many many times during the activities. being enthu will probably take some getting used to. i think i need to take up projection lessons from khoo

but i feel so..proud of myself. for going ahead and forward and signing up alone even though the fear and the apprehension felt like it was taking over me. this is a big deal for me.

also suddenly i feel like i'm the abnormal one. the odd one out. the one with no senior to hi-five and share school experiences with because there is none from our side of the world. every other freshie had! i don't want them to assume i'm smart. but i don't want them to think i'm stupid either. you know it's weird. i was sortof expecting it, but this is really..something i need to figure out.

i know this sounds so incoherent and all over the place and today's only the very very very beginning. i can't really figure out why and what but i feel like i need to find my place in this place. i don't want to be on the outside of the circle or on the line, i want to be inside.

in recent years i've been starting to feel guilt towards my mother. it is a bigger, more complicated mix of feelings here and there here and there, that i can't get around to dealing with. i may forget it momentarily but when i watch the back of my mother washing the dishes as i sit in front of the tv, it comes back. it's been stronger ever since i came back from taiwan. and more frequent. sometimes i wish she would go out and do her own thing. make herself happy. satisfy her own material whims. so that i won't feel so much of this feeling that i cannot get rid off. because she has been doing so much for us. and i realise it more and more day by day year by year. but i cannot really truly do anything for her till i am financially independent. when i go out to play i still need to ask her for money. when i go for a camp i still need to ask her for money. there is so little that i can do, with no income. i can do the chores, but it's not the same. i cannot buy her things which makes me sad. and then when i can i forget. i forget! i become self-absorbed and remember only what i want. i forget. i remember only myself. and i feel guilty when i look back and realise.

bigger, and more complicated.
you know???

these two days i've been yoyoing between feeling nervous and excited, sometimes both which leaves my already easily excitable heart pounding like crazy.
three months..two months before..it was pure anticipation and excitement. part uncertainty..are we really going? are we not?

four weeks before..
one week before..
one day before..
as it gets nearer to tomorrow i get more and more nervous. i feel so responsible for myself this time..getting lost robbed kidnapped. gurgle.all the scary things that happen to people when they holiday by themelves. more and more and more and more and more