bangbanggobbledygook

in recent years i've been starting to feel guilt towards my mother. it is a bigger, more complicated mix of feelings here and there here and there, that i can't get around to dealing with. i may forget it momentarily but when i watch the back of my mother washing the dishes as i sit in front of the tv, it comes back. it's been stronger ever since i came back from taiwan. and more frequent. sometimes i wish she would go out and do her own thing. make herself happy. satisfy her own material whims. so that i won't feel so much of this feeling that i cannot get rid off. because she has been doing so much for us. and i realise it more and more day by day year by year. but i cannot really truly do anything for her till i am financially independent. when i go out to play i still need to ask her for money. when i go for a camp i still need to ask her for money. there is so little that i can do, with no income. i can do the chores, but it's not the same. i cannot buy her things which makes me sad. and then when i can i forget. i forget! i become self-absorbed and remember only what i want. i forget. i remember only myself. and i feel guilty when i look back and realise.

bigger, and more complicated.
you know???